A Song for the Heartbroken

I have always been in love with the idea of being in love. Cliché, right? But it is very true.

It may have had to do with the my vast collection of Disney Princess movies that I watched over and over again when I was in elementary school. At the time, I had no idea what the characters were saying exactly as I did not understand English. But, I was still able to follow the plot through the help of my Dad. I always marveled at how Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and the other princesses were able to find their Prince Charming's in an instant, and how the princes wooed and fought gallantly for their princesses. I hoped to find the same kind of fairy-tale love and could not wait.

And thus, my search for the "prince" began early and I thought I had met my "true love" in 1st grade. His name was Oh Jong Won. He and I moved into the same neighborhood in kindergarten and played together a lot as a result.

But obviously, as I grew older, I learned that I will never be able to find "the prince". In my 20 years, I had countless amount of crushes, and somewhat above-average number of relationships as well. Every one of my encounters with the potential "princes" clearly failed, as I am single. But I cannot deny that with each failure, I learned something about those feelings I had - or dare I say, love.

Tonight, I want to talk about the hardest part of those experiences: the heartbreak.

My first real heartbreak was when I was dating someone in sophomore year of high school. I dated him for over 11 months, and I liked him enough to attempt to learn Starcraft. Although it was I who suggested to break-up, I was still very hurt. Why? I had broken up with him because I knew I should not be with anyone who suggests tossing a coin to decide to break up or not. And when he actually said that, I wasn't sure if that was a joke or not. So I took it as a serious suggestion, and tossed the coin. (I know, I was very dumb.) It was heads for "staying together", but minutes afterward, I realized that it was not right.

From that day, I stopped talking to him. I usually sat next to him in French class, but I purposely moved my seat away from his. At home, I listened to a lot of music. (It was ironic though, he was the one who got me into music in the first place.) Some nights, before I fell asleep, I cried because I was thinking about the relationship. It took at least a month to get over him.

With later break-ups, I did other things in hopes of mending my heart.

When I had excess access to alcohol, I drank a little too much, and I became very emotional. (Just a note, I am normally not an emotional-drunk, I am a happy-drunk.) I cried, clutching my heart and unable to face the others, talking about how it hurt so much to think about the ex, and how I missed him a lot.

I listened to a lot of "emo songs" and when there were songs that described what I was feeling at the time, I kept the song on repeat. I also started posting parts of the lyrics or YouTube links to the song on my status, hoping that the ex will get the message.

I talked to my friends a lot more than usual, in order to fill in the void that my ex left. (Thank you my lovely darlings!)

Although this does not do anything to help me get over the ex, I sometimes daydream about the ex suddenly realizing that he needs me and begging me to take him back. I watched too many kdramas and read too many shoujo mangas. Don't worry, I know in reality, that will never be the case. But until I truly get over him, I will always end up hoping that he will realize his mistake and fight to have me back in his arms. It is what I do, I dream.

To everyone who is experiencing a heartbreak right now: I'm there for you. Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to give you a big, warm hug.

To those who have gotten over it: Congratulations, I hope that your next lover will be the one as close to your "perfect prince/princess" as possible.

To, specifically, me: Look ahead, not backwards. Take what you've learned from the past relationships and be more prepared for the next one.

I end this post with this song, a song for the heartbroken:



<3,
Margi