There's No Place Like Home

It's been more than a week since I moved out of my summer sublet and returned back to NJ. I had time to meet up with a few friends and to enjoy the good ol' NJ stuff like Pier Village, the million malls that we have, and etc.

Just in case you want to see what my house looks like, here's a Google-maps picture:

I have lived in this house full-time for six years from 6th grade to end of senior year. Considering that I have only spent less than a third of my life in this house, I don't know if I can call this house my home. But at one point, I did. After spending seven or more hours at school (can't forget my after-school clubs), I always returned to this house, to my room on the second floor. I sat at my same desk to study, to do homework, and to use my computer. When it was time to sleep, I passed out on my bed, thinking about what I did during the day and running away with my imagination about a crush or something stupid.

And now, with college, I have passed that point. How so?

1. I do not have my own room anymore.

Due to circumstances, my older sister took my bed into her room (with my permissions). And in place of my bed, I have boxes of my baby sister's old clothes that my mom will be organizing and storing away... Sometime soon hopefully. These boxes, which are not mine, are invading my room. I want them gone! My private bubble of security and personal space bursted upon their intrusion. To be honest, I am possessive and it vexes me when I do not have full ownership of something that I should rightfully own. In this case, my room, which should only have my stuff, became just a room when my bed was replaced with foreign objects. This bothers me.

2. I sleep in someone else's room.

My bed, which I feel is the most important part of my room (since I love sleeping), is NOT IN MY ROOM! It is annoying that when it is time for me to go sleep, I have to walk out of my room and into my sister's room. The funny thing is that almost all of our furniture and their placement are almost exactly the same. So technically it should not really matter. But the only thing that I own in her room is the bed. Everything else - her desk, her books, the annoying clock that keeps me up at night - is my sister's. It sucks that my favorite activity of the day has to be spent in another person's room.

3. I feel very restricted by my dad's rules.

At Brown, I'm so used to leaving my dorm at any time of the day to go anywhere I want. Being back in NJ with my family means I have a curfew of 11 o'clock as that is one of the unwritten rules. I can probably push that to 12 o'clock or a bit later, but I always have to let my parents know when I am coming home. This rule was well-established since high school, when I started hanging out with my friends a lot more. When I asked why it was important for them to know when I'm coming home, my dad said that it lessened their worries. As you can understand, my parents, especially my dad, is very protective of their precious daughters (which is good but also bad).

But the point is that whatever my dad says, goes. I dare not go against my dad because I know he is a very scary man when he is angry. And the one thing he always says (in English, surprisingly) is: "If you live under my roof, you live under my rules."

4. No car equals no fun outside of my house.

In order to get to anywhere out of my development, I have to ask my parents to borrow a car. (No, my family is not wealthy enough to provide me my own car.) I honestly would rather walk to wherever I can if I don't have my own car. But, in a suburban area, that's not possible... I either wish that I had my own car, or that I lived in a city where I can walk or take public transportation.

To summarize, the general reasons for why I feel currently do not feel at home is because I do not have a comfortable ownership of anything in the house, and I do not have my freedom to do whatever I want to do.

College has made me change my definition of "home", or, at least, help me realize another definition.

Home used to be a house that I can return to again and again.
Home is now a place where I have my own independence, where I can create my own rules and live my life the way I want to.

I wonder if anybody else has felt this way about "home". What is your definition of home? Did your definition of home change ever? If it did, what did it change to?

<3, 
Margi



P.S.: In case people are wondering where I feel most at home, I would have to say that it is at Brown. And speaking of Brown, I cannot wait to go back there in a couple of days!

P.P.S.: Just because Brown feels more like my home than NJ, it does not mean that I love people at Brown more than people in NJ. I still love you, my NJ friends!!!